one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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