saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Randomize
