Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
