my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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