guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
