dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
