new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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