i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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