i may or may not be watching the land before time
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize