Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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