My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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