I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
