im about as happy as oj after his trial
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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