I heard we made out
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
