3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize