You just made me feel so damn special
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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