Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
