Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize