Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
