i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
