I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
