just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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