Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
