I wish I could punch you in the face.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
