There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
