I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
