I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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