Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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