she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
