Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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