you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
