dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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