U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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