Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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