I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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