Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
