Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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