So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
