we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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