I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
