Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
