1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
