Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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