Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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