Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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