she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
