I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
