You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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