Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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