Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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