I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize