the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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