Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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