3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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