U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I have post one night stand depression
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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