We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
