I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
