Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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